Flying with Flatulence

From the archives of, "we can't make this stuff up:"
NBC news says, if you're flying, fart.

NNF Travel Warning: Malawi

The U.S. State Department has its list of countries to which travel may be hazardous for citizens of the United States.

Here at Never Not Funny, the Office of International Travel has issued its first ever such advisory. We here in the NNF offices take great pride in our freedoms. We truly do believe that there are certain inalienable rights which endowed by our Creator. Here at NNF, we simply won't stand for having those rights trampled upon.

It is with great regret that we inform you all that government of Malawi has done just that. They have announced their intentions to make "breaking wind" illegal. Consider this your travel warning. Should you be looking for a third-world country with high infant mortality rates and a life-expectancy of 50 years in which to kick back for a couple weeks of R&R, you should look elsewhere.

Should you ignore these warnings and choose Malawi anyway, while we cannot guarantee its effectiveness, our best advice is the "You Smelt it, You Dealt it" defense.

Friday Rocks

The weekend rolls.

This little dude has it right. Nothing screams "weekend" like underpants on your head.

Baseball, beer, and... Vomit?

There is a time in many a young lad's life when, perhaps, the fun at the ol' ballpark gets a little out of hand. Such was the case, we believe, with this young fellow.

Thanks, Martha

After Monday and Tuesday...

Even the calendar says:

W T F

Sometimes, funny can get you sent to Hell

So you better enjoy the ride!

Clean Your Balls

The Signs of a Good Citizen

Some things are indeed never not funny. Terrorism and bio-hazards are not among those. In this day and age, it is more important than ever that we, as citizens of the greatest nation on earth, remain diligent. Our government believes this too. It believes it so much in fact, that it has created a series of helpful tips when facing a possible terrorist or bio-hazard threat. Accompanying those tips are some helpful and, presumably self-explanatory signs to help you remember how to respond in those situations.

I don't know who "Deb V" is but, she has gone to great lengths to ensure that everyone knows what these signs mean. Please make sure you take a moment to carefully study this material so that you will know what to do in the unlikely event of an attack.

Thank you for your dedication to our country. God bless you and God bless the United States of America.

Shankapotomus

Even NASA Has Trouble With Windows

Here at Never Not Funny, this particular staff member is something of an astrogeek. Yes, in my junior high days I even attended Space Camp. I will now pause for the obligatory period of mockery (or "OPM" as NASA, who has an acronym for everything, calls it).

[Standing by for OPM passage.]

Okay, now with that out of the way, for the humorous tidbit.

I've been listening to NASA-TV throughout the duration of the Hubble Space Telescope repair mission flown by space shuttle Atlantis - [pause for second OPM] - and was tuned in today for the expected re-entry and landing. Weather has prohibited landing today but, being the geek I am, continued listening to mostly static or silence. The crew has found themselves with an unexpected day in space and really had nothing to do as far as scheduled activities.

So, what do they do with the free time on their hands? Watch movies! Or, at least they attempted to watch movies. The following slightly paraphrased exchange suddenly came over the comm-link between the shuttle and Mission Control in Houston:

Andrew Feustel, spacewalker on the shuttle: Houston, Atlantis.
Alan Poindexter at Mission Control: Go ahead, Drew.
Shuttle: Yeah Dex, we're trying to watch a couple of DVDs here on the laptop and we're getting an error indicating something isn't loaded on here that needs to be.
Mission Control: OK, Drew. We'll talk about it here. Sounds like a codec or something.

After a half-hour or so of Mission Control working on it, they figured the only way to correct it was to unpack a system that had been put away for the landing in order to upload the files they'd need to install so they could watch the movies. The crew decided they'd just watch some MPEGs they had and listen to music during their dinner meal instead.

So, NASA can send spacecraft all over the solar system, put people on the Moon, launch spacecraft into orbit which are capable of catching and meeting up with other spacecraft, but they can't get Windows to work either. It's comforting, to some degree, that the best technology minds in the country, yea the world, can't get their DVDs to play either.

It's not just me.

Flatulence: not just monkey busine$$

Another item in the, "seriously folks, we don't make this stuff up" category...

Seems competing flatulence apps for the iPhone are getting ready to duke it out over who gets to use the phrase "pull my finger." I hope everything comes out alright. I'm sure it will in the end.

Read the CNN article:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/02/17/flatulence.fight/

Cut the Cheese

Further evidence that flatulence equals fun and is never not funny.

Something Smells Rotten...

Here at NNF low brow humor is right in our sweet spot. However, we also pride ourselves in our professionalism during our day job. (Editor note: Wasn't this posted during work hours?) Occasionally our worlds collide.

A NNF Staffer was managing an important server when he discovered a very suspicious file. That file was named: FART.EXE

No file named FART.EXE should be on this server. (Editor note: On this server? What server should it be on?) This cause great concern, was it a Trojan, malware, spyware, web-bot, virus, or just a prank from a fellow staffer? Have we been hacked or has the system in some way been compromised? Great care was taken to isolate this file, scan it for viruses, and move it into quarantine. No virus or evil was found. Maybe it is a new virus, maybe we should upload it to one of the big security centers for analysis! What was it, we must know!

One particularly curious (and foolish) staffer copied the file to his laptop and ran the file to see what it was... When is a FART, not a FART? When the file is a text manipulation utility used to Find And Replace Text! No virus, no prank, just a crummy utility... A staffer used the utility and forgot to remove it from the system only to rediscover it months later thinking it was something evil. Good for a chuckle and a little geek excitement on a day before a holiday!

Pickles in the Back...

Once again, we swear we do not make this stuff up. Funny stuff is all around us. One just has to have a depraved mind to see it.

As the Never Not Funny staff is known to do on Fridays, we were out to lunch at a local family dining establishment. We were being served by a young lady who was to the positive side of attractive and her pleasant, relaxed, and light-hearted demeanor contributed nicely. That's not especially critical to the story but, perhaps it will assist you with the visual.

So, we've basically wrapped up lunch and Amber (still not making this up) is coming around to collect plates and find out if anyone is interested in desert. One NNF staffer has consumed the entire contents of his plate save for his pickle spear. Amber reaches for the plate and asks if the staffer is finished. "Oh, no." he replies. "I'm going to eat my pickle." Amber stops mid-plate pickup and begins to move on to the next patron at the table when this particular staffer lifts up his plate and holds it out in front of himself exclaiming, "Unless you would like my pickle."

Now, the story is funny enough at this point because nearly everyone at the table had to muster up the strength not to laugh out loud. Amber's response however, made it darned near impossible for anyone to contain themselves. She said, and I quote, "Oh no. I can have all the pickles I want in back."

We don't believe the poor lass realized what she had said until shortly after it escaped her lips. When she came to drop off the check she did not make eye contact with any of the seven males at the table and merely muttered a rather flat, "Thanks and have a great day," as she all but tossed the check on the table. She then quickly turned and walked away.

She did get a rather hefty gratuity since we all had a great laugh over the whole thing.

Flies and Windows

You ever wonder if flies, when they first realize they can't fly through a closed window, think, "Holy crap, dude! Check it out - I can walk on air!" You know, right after they go, "Ouch - didn't see that coming" when the smack into the glass, then gather their bearings and think, "Woah... I'm walking here..."

Just wondering...

Español para administradores

If you've read some of the other articles in this blog, you know that, from time to time, Never Not Funny staffers like to pretend we know Spanish. It usually winds up being a rather nonsensical mixutre of English and Spanish or "bad Spanglish." As such, a staffer out and about for lunch thought the following might help advance our professional educations.

Never Not Funny staffers - always looking to advance.

Needs no introduction...

More bathroom etiquette: The Courtesy Peek

Two Never Not Funny staffers just returned from the bathroom (they departed from the bathroom separately - we're not girls! Although, we're not above going together, either.) red-faced and giggling to themselves.

Staffer one says, "you really gotta learn how to lock the stall door."

Staffer two says, "I did! And, what about the courtesy peek?!"

So, with at least two other staffers now pulled into the fray by the (now) out-loud laughing, we come to find out that there is opening the stall-door etiquette, too. Even if you believe the stall to be empty, you still open the door just a crack to verify said stall is indeed empty. That as opposed to pulling the door wide-open and finishing a conversation with an uninvolved third party while the guy on the throne is left in shock and awe to search for the appropriate words to express, "Umm, I'm in here with my pants around my ankles - how about a little help here?"

You also have to wonder... who's more embarrassed in that situation? The guy with his pants around his ankles certainly has lost some pride. I don't care how studly you are, when you caught sitting on the throne with you pants around your ankles, you are not looking good. But, the often overlooked unintentional "peeker" is also in a bit of an awkward situation. If nothing else, he's thinking, "Yeah, I didn't need to see that."

Always good times around the Never Not Funny offices...

Crazy Ivan

A NNF staffer recently conveyed a story about a momentary loss of control while performing an otherwise uneventful urinary trip to the bathroom. Other staffers were quick to agree - sometimes, things just aren't expressed in the direction the "cannon" is pointed.

It seems males, for whatever reason, are prone to this irrational and unpredictable situation at any time, day or night, but staffers agree the first urinary expression of the day has the highest risk. Thankfully, that potentially embarrassing situation of misguided expression tends to occur at home. For it is in public places, with urinals lined up next to one another that the "Crazy Ivan" can have potentially disastrous consequences - how does one apologize for accidentally peeing on somebody else's foot? Especially when that poor individually is perpendicular to the "cannon?"

So guys, watch your backs, I mean sides, in the public bathrooms - you never know when a Crazy Ivan might come your way!