After Monday and Tuesday...

Even the calendar says:

W T F

A man, an airplane, and six kids

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle leaned over and asked, "Are all those kids yours?"

The man replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

Never Not Funny staffers offer relationship advice...

Economic Stimulus Package - for who?

This is an actual* FAQ from the IRS web site.

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.


*for purposes of this post, actual means completely made up

Fur and Leather

Did you ever notice people are more violently opposed to fur than leather? How often do you hear about people throwing red paint on leather-clad people? Not very often.

You know why, don't you? Because it's safer to harass rich women than biker gangs.

Flatulence Football

Once again, nobody ever said this blog was sophisticated...

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally "soils" the bed.

The wife says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

The most innocent of things...

...can be Never Not Funny. I don't know that it's necessary to say anything else about the street sign below.

Then again, who can help themselves with such a target-rich environment?

I wonder if they do any pup-tent camping on Morningwood Drive?
I wonder if they raise any roosters on Morningwood Drive?
I wonder if there area any missile silos on Morningwood Drive?
I wonder if residents of Morningwood Drive have a "hard" time getting out of bed in the morning?

Come on-you know you've got some of your own...

The leather skirt & the zipper

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know you!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Leave it running

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel even better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and exclaims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your injun running."

Crazy Pirate

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in the front of his pants.

The bartender says "Hey buddy - you know you got a steering wheel in the front of your pants?"
The pirate says, "Arggh, me knows. It's drivin' me nuts."

Joe who?

Sometimes it's the simplest of things that are just Never Not Funny...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Joe
Joe who?
Joe MAMA!

Interrupting Cow

Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting cow...
Moo!

Funny stuff for 4-year olds and Never Not Funny staffers.