Something Smells Rotten...

Here at NNF low brow humor is right in our sweet spot. However, we also pride ourselves in our professionalism during our day job. (Editor note: Wasn't this posted during work hours?) Occasionally our worlds collide.

A NNF Staffer was managing an important server when he discovered a very suspicious file. That file was named: FART.EXE

No file named FART.EXE should be on this server. (Editor note: On this server? What server should it be on?) This cause great concern, was it a Trojan, malware, spyware, web-bot, virus, or just a prank from a fellow staffer? Have we been hacked or has the system in some way been compromised? Great care was taken to isolate this file, scan it for viruses, and move it into quarantine. No virus or evil was found. Maybe it is a new virus, maybe we should upload it to one of the big security centers for analysis! What was it, we must know!

One particularly curious (and foolish) staffer copied the file to his laptop and ran the file to see what it was... When is a FART, not a FART? When the file is a text manipulation utility used to Find And Replace Text! No virus, no prank, just a crummy utility... A staffer used the utility and forgot to remove it from the system only to rediscover it months later thinking it was something evil. Good for a chuckle and a little geek excitement on a day before a holiday!

Pickles in the Back...

Once again, we swear we do not make this stuff up. Funny stuff is all around us. One just has to have a depraved mind to see it.

As the Never Not Funny staff is known to do on Fridays, we were out to lunch at a local family dining establishment. We were being served by a young lady who was to the positive side of attractive and her pleasant, relaxed, and light-hearted demeanor contributed nicely. That's not especially critical to the story but, perhaps it will assist you with the visual.

So, we've basically wrapped up lunch and Amber (still not making this up) is coming around to collect plates and find out if anyone is interested in desert. One NNF staffer has consumed the entire contents of his plate save for his pickle spear. Amber reaches for the plate and asks if the staffer is finished. "Oh, no." he replies. "I'm going to eat my pickle." Amber stops mid-plate pickup and begins to move on to the next patron at the table when this particular staffer lifts up his plate and holds it out in front of himself exclaiming, "Unless you would like my pickle."

Now, the story is funny enough at this point because nearly everyone at the table had to muster up the strength not to laugh out loud. Amber's response however, made it darned near impossible for anyone to contain themselves. She said, and I quote, "Oh no. I can have all the pickles I want in back."

We don't believe the poor lass realized what she had said until shortly after it escaped her lips. When she came to drop off the check she did not make eye contact with any of the seven males at the table and merely muttered a rather flat, "Thanks and have a great day," as she all but tossed the check on the table. She then quickly turned and walked away.

She did get a rather hefty gratuity since we all had a great laugh over the whole thing.

Flies and Windows

You ever wonder if flies, when they first realize they can't fly through a closed window, think, "Holy crap, dude! Check it out - I can walk on air!" You know, right after they go, "Ouch - didn't see that coming" when the smack into the glass, then gather their bearings and think, "Woah... I'm walking here..."

Just wondering...

Español para administradores

If you've read some of the other articles in this blog, you know that, from time to time, Never Not Funny staffers like to pretend we know Spanish. It usually winds up being a rather nonsensical mixutre of English and Spanish or "bad Spanglish." As such, a staffer out and about for lunch thought the following might help advance our professional educations.

Never Not Funny staffers - always looking to advance.

Needs no introduction...

More bathroom etiquette: The Courtesy Peek

Two Never Not Funny staffers just returned from the bathroom (they departed from the bathroom separately - we're not girls! Although, we're not above going together, either.) red-faced and giggling to themselves.

Staffer one says, "you really gotta learn how to lock the stall door."

Staffer two says, "I did! And, what about the courtesy peek?!"

So, with at least two other staffers now pulled into the fray by the (now) out-loud laughing, we come to find out that there is opening the stall-door etiquette, too. Even if you believe the stall to be empty, you still open the door just a crack to verify said stall is indeed empty. That as opposed to pulling the door wide-open and finishing a conversation with an uninvolved third party while the guy on the throne is left in shock and awe to search for the appropriate words to express, "Umm, I'm in here with my pants around my ankles - how about a little help here?"

You also have to wonder... who's more embarrassed in that situation? The guy with his pants around his ankles certainly has lost some pride. I don't care how studly you are, when you caught sitting on the throne with you pants around your ankles, you are not looking good. But, the often overlooked unintentional "peeker" is also in a bit of an awkward situation. If nothing else, he's thinking, "Yeah, I didn't need to see that."

Always good times around the Never Not Funny offices...

Crazy Ivan

A NNF staffer recently conveyed a story about a momentary loss of control while performing an otherwise uneventful urinary trip to the bathroom. Other staffers were quick to agree - sometimes, things just aren't expressed in the direction the "cannon" is pointed.

It seems males, for whatever reason, are prone to this irrational and unpredictable situation at any time, day or night, but staffers agree the first urinary expression of the day has the highest risk. Thankfully, that potentially embarrassing situation of misguided expression tends to occur at home. For it is in public places, with urinals lined up next to one another that the "Crazy Ivan" can have potentially disastrous consequences - how does one apologize for accidentally peeing on somebody else's foot? Especially when that poor individually is perpendicular to the "cannon?"

So guys, watch your backs, I mean sides, in the public bathrooms - you never know when a Crazy Ivan might come your way!

A man, an airplane, and six kids

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle leaned over and asked, "Are all those kids yours?"

The man replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

Great power, great responsibility... yeah, yeah, yeah...

Well, it appears the damage we did to Bennigan's went deeper than we originally thought. Early this week, the company filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy and appears to be done for good.

Long live the Cash Crunch Lunch!

Learning Commando

A Never Not Funny staffer is out this week for a training class. Back in the office, we received this email:

So, I woke up this morning, showered and everything. It was as I was getting dressed that I discovered that I failed to pack any underwear. Soooooo, today I'm learning VMWare in a commando-type style. I saw a Wal-Mart on the way between the hotel and the training facility and will be making a purchase on the way back tonight... Unless I decide I'm more comfortable this way. It may be a lifestyle change for me. Who knows?

We don't make this stuff up, folks. It just happens. And it's all around us.

Tragedy + Time = Humor

Never Not Funny staffers offer relationship advice...

With great power comes great responsibility

If you've become familiar with Never Not Funny staffers via this blog, you know one thing we really like to do is eat. When the sacred lunch hour is not spent playing Texas Hold 'Em, we'll venture out with the rest of corporate America for a bite to eat.

As we're also a relatively frugal bunch, when Bennigan's started offering their $4.99 Cash Crunch Lunch, it quickly became one of our favorite establishments. Things seemed to be going so well - the limited-time promotion was extended and the Cash Crunch menu was expanded. We at Never Not Funny were living large. And then, out of nowhere, comes the email below.

It would seem that our hunger got the best of Bennigan's - we, apparently, ate them out of house and home. After tears were shed, we came to the realization that we, as consumers, are extremely powerful. And with that great power comes great responsibility. We promise to do our best not to put any other restaurants out of business.

Subliminal Advertising

Whoever wrote this ad has taken "the sickness" to a whole new level.

When Never Not Funny Staffers dream...

This just in...

Pretty women in bikinis make men act foolishly.

Seriously, you think we make this stuff up? Read all about it at msnbc.com.

Who needs expensive toys?

Not just a coat rack

We Never Not Funny staffers are just your average lot. However, time and time again, we're reminded that we, as frightening as it is, happen to be some of the smarter folks on this great planet of ours (see the wet floor post below this one). Trust me, it frightens us, too.

Even in our moments of intellectual glory, though, we have a way of shooting ourselves in the foot. You may have heard the phrase, "Not just a hat rack" when someone celebrates their own brilliant idea and points to their over-sized cranium. Well, a particular Never Not Funny staffer has been known to misquote that phrase as, "Not just a coat rack." So, you see, even in our moments of brilliance, we still manage to be a goofy lot.

This just in...

...rain may cause wet floors that can be slippery.

Duh!

It troubles me to say this sign was posted at grocery store I frequent. It also troubles me to realize there must be a lot of dumb people that also frequent the store. That would make me one of the smart people. That's scary.

No drowning!

What ever happened to warning people there's no lifeguard on duty? Now we just tell them not to drown?



Oh sure, you can swim-swim till your heart's content. Just don't drown.

It's garbage day

Those of you who are responsible for getting the garbage curbside every week will appreciate this... For some reason, my children love to mock me with garbage day. Whatever the reason, they know what day of the week is "garbage day" and love to gleefully remind me, not only that morning, but also the night before ("garbage eve") that I need to take the garbage out. Here's this morning's exchange:

The Girl: Dad, guess what day it is?
Me: I don't know. What day is it?
The Girl: It's garbage day!
Me: No it's not.
The Girl: It's Thursday, right?
Me: Yes.
The Girl: Thursday is garbage day, right?
Me: Yes.
The Girl: So, today is garbage day!
Me: No it's not.
The Girl: *looking puzzled* But it's Thursday.
Me: Yep.
The Girl: So, today is garbage day, right?
Me: Nope.
The Girl: Huh?
Me: That just happened! Doesn't that just blow your mind!

If you're not laughing yourself silly, there are two things you should know: garbage this week is delayed a day due to the Memorial Day holiday and "That just happened!" is a Ricky Bobby quote.

Innuendo or is that In-you-end-o?

The typical Never Not Funny staffer is a middle-aged guy with, what the folks at Larger Than Average have coined, "the sickness." As such, the signs pictured below make us giggle like little schoolgirls every time.

This kid's lucky to be alive!

With all the flatulence surrounding Never Not Funny staffers, there's a certain familiarity with the bathroom. We all agree, though, "no contest" is the only way we can plea with this kid's accomplishment.

If you're not in shock and awe, you need to carefully read the caption again.

Economic Stimulus Package - for who?

This is an actual* FAQ from the IRS web site.

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.


*for purposes of this post, actual means completely made up

A picture is worth a thousand words

Never Not Funny staffers see it. How about you?

Fur and Leather

Did you ever notice people are more violently opposed to fur than leather? How often do you hear about people throwing red paint on leather-clad people? Not very often.

You know why, don't you? Because it's safer to harass rich women than biker gangs.

Hi, my name is...

Never not Funny staffers like to eat. Visiting some of the local dining establishments often results in some interesting experiences. Now, we're not a sophisticated bunch (see the many flatulence-related posts scattered throughout the blog) so for us, a dining establishment is in the neighborhood of Applebee's, Chili's, Bennigan's, or Steak and Shake.

Even at Steak and Shake, you'll be greeted by a host or hostess and the exchange usually goes something like this:

Hi, I'm Amy. Welcome to Steak and Shake.

The hostess, Amy in this case, will then help you find a suitable table to dine at within the fine establishment. Upon being seated, Amy will say something like:

Your server will be with you in just a minute.

And Amy disappears to, presumably, seat the remaining flood of guests waiting to be seated. Just as Amy, the hostess, had stated, the server joins us within a couple of minutes.

Hi, I'm Amy. I'll be your server. What can I get you to drink?

Did you notice that both the hostess and the server were named Amy? You might be thinking, "Amy's a fairly common name - there are probably two different Amy's working." You'd be wrong. Amy the hostess and Amy the server are the same person!

Now, had this happened only once, you could chalk it up to a long day. But this has happened on at least three separate occasions with at least three different hostess/servers! Other than being Never Not Funny, what's up with that?!?!

Next time it happens, I'm going to have to say something.

You look familiar... Have we met before? Do you have a twin who works here? 'Cause, I swear, our hostess looked just like you!

Motivational Thought

This little animal is called the Naked Mole-Rat and is from Africa.

So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember: You could look like a penis with buck teeth.

This motivational thought brought to you by Never Not Funny. :)

I underestimated the creepiness

The eTrade "baby" commercials are mildly entertaining but something about the clown one just gets a chuckle from Never Not Funny staffers every time.

Flatulence Football

Once again, nobody ever said this blog was sophisticated...

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally "soils" the bed.

The wife says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

Are you OK to drive?

Back in the day, this boy could party. Having just graduated from college, it was a natural progression in life. My friends and I would spend many a weekend attending sporting events, bar-hopping, and just plain partying. I remember it fondly... ah, yes, the "lost" summer of '92. Every once in a while my friends from that time period and I will reminisce and it's not unusual for the following exchange to take place:

Friend 1: Remember the Summer of 92?

Friend 2: No.

Now, it's not as if we were drunk every minute of the summer-we did manage to hold down jobs. But, it's good fun to look back at that lost summer.

Another quote born of that summer was in relation to someone being able to drive at the end of the night. That exchange goes like this:

Friend 1: (to obviously inebriated Friend 2) Are you going to be OK to drive?

Friend 2: Sure. (long, dramatic pause) When?

Let's analyze the response more closely. Friend 2 is obviously drunk yet responds "sure, I'm OK to drive" to friend 1's question. Than, after pensive pause, Friend 2 adds, "when?" to his response. Friend 2 obviously can't drive now, but perhaps several hours later or in the morning, Friend 2 will be able to drive. Let's run through it one more time, more quickly.

Friend 1: Are you going to be OK to drive?

Friend 2: Sure. When?

That's funny stuff!

The Great Cookie Debate

This Never Not Funny staffer's wife makes a mean chocolate chip cookie. I'm biased, of course, but you can ask anyone around the Never Not Funny office and they'll tell you the same story. Her cookies are legendary.

Today was one of those magical days when the aforementioned chocolate chip cookies were available. As a couple of staffers sat around eating said cookies, one's wife called and asked what was going on. I'm paraphrasing a bit, but the conversation went something like this:

Staffer's Wife: What's going on?
Never Not Funny Staffer: Just eating some cookies.
SW: Where did you get the cookies?
NNFS: T-Dub's wife baked them.
SW: Are they better than mine?
NNFS: Um... they're pretty good.
SW: I hope you get diarrhea.

Update! Said staffer called his wife back and told her he had diarrhea to make her feel better. We may not be sophisticated, but at least we're sensitive.

Pirate Greeter

A particular Never Not Funny staffer has had a life-long dream of one day becoming a pirate. This same staffer has vowed to one day be a greeter at Wal-Mart after retirement comes his way. I think I've actually found the perfect job for him:

Hey, we all have to have dreams. Thanks to the folks at Free Credit Report for a commercial that's never not funny.

That just happened!

If you're a regular reader of this blog, you know that two things Never Not Funny Staffers spend a lot of time doing are playing Texas Hold 'Em and passing gas (once again, no one ever said this blog was sophisticated).

Several staffers have seen the move Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (some, perhaps, too many times) and everyone knows memorable quotes like, "shake and bake" and "if you ain't first, you're last" but we've latched on to a less obvious quotable. "That just happened."

While seemingly mundane at first, the power of these words is quickly revealed when used in the contexts of smack-talking or insults. They're especially effective when followed up with, "Doesn't that just blow your mind?!"

For example, in the context of the lunch-time Texas Hold 'Em games:

I'm all in. That's right, that just happened.

Or, following gaseous expulsion (see flatulence or fart if that's more your speed):

Oh yeah, that just happened.
Doesn't that just blow your mind?!

Of course, it can also be used to put emphasis on an insult as well:

Having a fourth donut, eh Butterball?
You heard right, that just happened!

Those are just few of the plethora of ways "that just happened" can be effectively used. Trust me-there are plenty more opportunities out there. And if you don't get it, well, maybe you're just not cut out for this blog, Einstein.

That just happened. Doesn't that just blow your mind?!

The most innocent of things...

...can be Never Not Funny. I don't know that it's necessary to say anything else about the street sign below.

Then again, who can help themselves with such a target-rich environment?

I wonder if they do any pup-tent camping on Morningwood Drive?
I wonder if they raise any roosters on Morningwood Drive?
I wonder if there area any missile silos on Morningwood Drive?
I wonder if residents of Morningwood Drive have a "hard" time getting out of bed in the morning?

Come on-you know you've got some of your own...

It's weekend eve!

It's Thursday, the day before Friday. Thursday can be affectionately referred to as "weekend eve." It's good enough for Christmas and New Years, why not for Fridays? Thursday bridges the important gap between celebratory "hump day" (Wednesday) and Friday-we really should give Thursday a little more credit. Weekend Eve it is.

Who doesn't love a puppy?

This guy is just so proud and I'm sure he's thinking this puppy will get his parents off his back about a girlfriend and a grandchild, too.

Or maybe not...

The Miracle Mug with a tiny flaw

The preferred beverage mug of choice for Never Not Funny staffers is the Bubba Keg. This miraculous, 52-ounce contraption allows us to do two of the things we like to do most: drink cold beverages and sit on our duffs for extended periods of time. 52 ounces is typically enough to get you through the morning of your average work-day and often times even into the afternoon. The Bubba Keg's insulation (affectionately referred to as "Bubba Fat") will keep ice through the entire day - even when the water is long gone. And it's capacity can certainly outlast all but the heartiest of bladders.

Yes, this baby is a modern beverage-drinking, butt-sitting miracle. Save one little issue... When getting a little eager with "throwing the liquid back," the BAV (Bubba Air Vent) can easily become clogged with the tiniest of noses (we've tested on rodents such as field mice and moles) and stop the refreshing flow of cool liquid. The illustration below may help:

As you can plainly see, all the sophisticated technology that is the Bubba Keg is easily defeated by most noses. The solution is simple, of course-don't get overexcited when you sip from the cup of eternal cool. But, I ask you, how can one possibly not get overexcited when sipping from such a fantastic mug? It is clearly a design-flaw. Plus, every single person I know that has a Bubba Keg has the exact same problem. Both of us.

P.S. I was just kidding about the field mice and moles.

Friday Funnies

Bud Light:


Kellog's All Bran:
With flatulence being what it is with Never Not Funny Staffers, this one holds a special place in the heart of our bottoms.


Mercedes-Benz:

Guys ARE clueless...

Hey, I'm not saying I'm proud of it, but at least there is finally some scientific evidence that guys are indeed clueless. Seriously, read it at msnbc.com.

Now, when faced with that "did you notice something?" question from your significant other, you can say without reservation, "No, I'm clueless. And Science has got my back."

Also, according to the article, if you're single and trying to attract the attention of a particular man, you'll have to be pretty blunt. The below photo illustrates this point well.

Yeah, we really are that clueless.

Oh, by the way, it's the girl on the right that's doing the flirting.

The leather skirt & the zipper

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know you!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Leave it running

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel even better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and exclaims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your injun running."

Crazy Pirate

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in the front of his pants.

The bartender says "Hey buddy - you know you got a steering wheel in the front of your pants?"
The pirate says, "Arggh, me knows. It's drivin' me nuts."

Tragedy + Time = Humor

Drums & the simplicity of fame

This particular Never Not Funny staffer has had a life-long dream of playing the drums. It started in 5th grade band on instrument selection day when I was told I'd have to play the trumpet because all the drum slots were taken-curse my father for a last name toward the end of the alphabet. From that day on, I've wanted to play the drums.

Well, a couple months back, I finally pulled the trigger on this suppressed life-long dream. With Costco's liberal return policy, if it's a dismal failure, I can always return them anyway. Behold the Ludwig LR1125RC Accent Combo kit:

Ah yes, the stuff dreams are made of... So, the boxes arrive a few days later and it's like Christmas morning for me. I carefully open the shipping boxes, unload the multiple boxes contained within them, open the individual boxes and lay the parts out in an organized fashion so as not to misplace anything. Wow, look at all this stuff!

It's about this time when my 8-year-old daughter enters the room to "help" me assemble the drum set and the following exchange takes place:

"Dad, can you play the drums?"
"Not yet," I reply.
"So, what are you gonna do with all this stuff?"
"Well, I'm going to put it together and teach myself how to play," I say.

Her thirst for knowledge temporarily quenched, we continue assembly of the drum set, which included a visit to the Internet to find instructions, by the way. As the drum heads go on and stands are erected (tee-hee, he said "erect"), a second inquisition begins:

"So, Dad, when you learn how to play the drums, you'll be famous."
"Well, I don't know about all that - probably not," I chuckle aloud.

And then, after some apparent deep thought, she says:

"Well, if you're gonna learn how to play the drums, you might as well be famous."

An excellent point - if only it were that easy.

You're In...

You know, the lunchtime Texas Hold 'Em games that Never Not Funny staffers participate in Monday to Thursday provide a lot of fodder for this blog - I imagine you'll be seeing more and more about these games as time goes on. Anywho...

Because we are at work, there are sometimes distractions during the poker game. It's not unusual for a participant to be checking email on a mobile device only to look up and find that another player has already pushed his ante in for him. "You're in," the proxy-bettor will say. Depending on the mood of the bet-by-proxy participant (whose chips have been pushed in for him), you may hear the rebuttal, "Feces."

OK, caught your breath yet? Cause, man, that is funny stuff. What? You don't get it? You're in. Feces. Still no? You're in, which can sound like urine if said quickly. Then feces. Got it? It's like trading insults. You know, if you have to explain it...

Joe who?

Sometimes it's the simplest of things that are just Never Not Funny...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Joe
Joe who?
Joe MAMA!

Ugly has never been so hot

Never Not Funny Staffers have been known to consume copious amounts of nuts and other legumes in mass quantities and in record time. When others leave vats of nuts out for the taking at their desks', NNF staffers like, nay-feel obligated, to partake.

Our friends over at Larger Than Average will tell you about "the sickness" that afflicts a vast but undetermined percentage of the world's male population. Essentially, "the sickness" is a healthy appreciation for the female form as well as a constant awareness of anything that may seem sexual. If you've got it, you'll better understand why the Planters Peanuts commercial below is so funny.

Like the title says, ugly has never been so hot.

The older I get, the better I was

As legend goes, a former neighbor of a Never Not Funny staffer dropped a bag of shredded cheddar cheese while making a burrito. It wasn't a simple drop, oh no. In true Never Not Funny fashion, it was one of those drop-fumble-I've got it-drop again-bobble-I've got it again-bobble again-fall to the floor drops. Legend has it that this middle-aged white Anglo-Saxon protestant then stated, "A year ago, I would have caught that." Yes, the older I get, the better I was.

Fast-forward a few years and this legendary conversation where the phrase "the older I get, the better I was" was coined and we find thievery. Someone else has started making t-shirts with our slogan. Without our approval. Without even asking. Needless to say, we aren't receiving any royalty checks or anything, either.

Oh well, our loss is the world's gain. In the spirit of spreading Never Not Funny cheer, you can get your own gear at Old Guys Rule.

Flatulence goes mainstream

It's not just us - Dr. Billy Goldberg and Mark Leyner have written an article called, "The Body Odd." The subhead states, "Passing time by passing gas, plus fun fart facts!" You can read it over at msnbc.com. There was a link to this article on MSNBC's home page - a link to farting on the MSNBC home page for crying out loud! Never Not Funny staffers - perpetually ahead of the curve.

Just so you don't think we're making this up, photographic evidence is provided below.


Perhaps we should let them know about Ozium...

Flatulence = Fun

Nobody ever said this blog was sophisticated...

As staffers gathered to play the lunch-time Texas Hold 'Em game today, one eagerly shared an especially nauseating butt-cheek chorus compliments of, according to said staffer, "generic Aldi cheerios." Now, if you're a fan of this blog, you know that flatulence in and of itself can be the main entrance to an amusement park of side-splitting, eye-watering fun. Add the "Ozium factor" to the mix and you've got even better comedy.

As you may have guessed, this isn't the first time a Never Not Funny staffer has "let one go." Oh no, it is such a frequent event, in fact, combatant sprays have been purchased. Enter Medco Sports Medicine's Ozium. This particular staffer spent the better part of the poker game attempting to determine the correct timing and mixture of Ozium vs. noxious gas to keep the surrounding air that intoxicating aroma only 5 or 6 guys at lunch time can create.

His antics ranged from simultaneous expulsion of both gases, to Ozium before or Ozium after flatulence both with and without the aid of a small desktop fan. While additional research is required because there was no consensus in a successful containment, this staffer believes the Ozium needs something to "eat." As such, Ozium should be released at some yet-to-be-determined (but certainly short) amount of time after the human expulsion.

And that was just the first 15 minutes of a 1 hour game. For those of you who can't imagine it, let me tell you, hilarity ensued.

P.S. Did I mention that Ozium is labeled as a "Hazmat" item and cannot be shipped by air? That says something about the powers being meddled with...

The Mighty Wingman

This Coors Light commercial is good comedy in and of itself. Of course, with a Never Not Funny staffer spin on it, it's nearly pee-your-pants funny. I'll explain...

NNF staffers play Texas Hold 'Em on a pretty regular basis at lunch every day. As you might imagine, there are a few house rules. One of them is to mumble the words to Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" of Top Gun fame when you are nearing the bottom of your poker chip pool. It's not unusual for a few players to be in or approaching the danger zone at the same time. Good camaraderie often prevails and one staffer will say, "I'm right there with ya-I'm your wingman."

And if that didn't make you smile, at least the video should...

Go For Papa Palpatine

Some of the Never Not Funny staffers are pretty big Star Wars nerds. Others have seen the movies (most of them, anyway) but don't know what Luke Skywalker's mother's name is or who Yoda went to college with. Even for the latter, there's something about Darth Vader crying on the phone and being called a "whiny bitch" that is always good for a chuckle.

You're not very good at...

Our friends over at Larger Than Average have been a bit lax in updating their blog and, in true Never Not Funny fashion, have resorted to mocking themselves for material. NNF staffers stumbled across a graphic sometime back that we have adopted to be used for just about anything that requires mocking. Exhibit A:
While the Internet is the originator, it's not unusual to hear, "You suck at Texas Hold 'Em" or, "You suck at eating food." Whatever the occasion where someone has made a buffoon of themselves, that's what they suck at.

Childish and immature, no doubt, but still Never Not Funny.

One Semester of Spanish Spanish Love Song

Never Not Funny staffers have a lot of fun with Spanglish. ¿Dónde está el baño? and Dos cervezas, por favor are perennial favorites. Of course, there are several other favorite phrases as well. As none of us has any more than a semester or two of High School Spanish under our belts (and that was a loooooong time ago), it should come as no surprise that the video below always gets laughs.



If only we'd filmed ourselves first, we could be Spanish Mike...

Stop Sign Flatulence

You know those grooves in the pavement to warn you about an upcoming stop sign? The ones that rattle the whole car and are supposed to "wake you up" so you don't blow through the country four-way at 65 miles-per-hour?

Every time you roll over one, excuse yourself as if you just relieved yourself via gaseous expulsion. To raise the bar, veer into the oncoming lane once safely through the intersection (after stopping, of course) to relive the fun.

It goes without saying, flatulence is pretty much never not funny around here.

When she's hot...

While doing a little spring cleaning, a staffer came across this oldie but goodie:

Thanks to the folks at Old Spice for making a commercial Never Not Funny staffers find never not hot.

Interrupting Cow

Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting cow...
Moo!

Funny stuff for 4-year olds and Never Not Funny staffers.

Don't Put Your Finger Here

It's not necessary to provide any commentary on the image below.


OK, maybe a little... Is that really one of those pop-up handy-wipe dispensers? Or, perhaps it's how not to perform a nipple-exam? Or, how not to perform a prostate exam? Go on, let your mind wander. We did.

Hello, This is Dennis DeYoung

It all started with a simple request to set up a reservation and check on the specials at a local eatery. Like so many funny things, we are not really sure why this one is funny.

Now whenever a staffer calls for a reservations or information to a local eatery we do it as Dennis DeYoung of Styx fame. Caller: "Hello, This is Dennis DeYoung. I am thinking about bringing a group down and I was wondering what the specials are."

To all the restaurants we have called; We're sorry. To Dennis DeYoung all we can say "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto" for we think this is Never Not Funny!

Does this look infected?

Childish and sophomoric, it is simply always entertaining to walk up to a friend or coworker and ask if something looks infected. Better yet, interrupt them from another conversation and call them over to ask, "Does this look infected?"

For bonus points, actually have some sort of nasty wound that could look infected. The wound at right served the purpose well on multiple occasions.

Silly and immature? Probably. Never not funny? Absolutely!