Flying with Flatulence

From the archives of, "we can't make this stuff up:"
NBC news says, if you're flying, fart.

Flatulence: not just monkey busine$$

Another item in the, "seriously folks, we don't make this stuff up" category...

Seems competing flatulence apps for the iPhone are getting ready to duke it out over who gets to use the phrase "pull my finger." I hope everything comes out alright. I'm sure it will in the end.

Read the CNN article:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/02/17/flatulence.fight/

More bathroom etiquette: The Courtesy Peek

Two Never Not Funny staffers just returned from the bathroom (they departed from the bathroom separately - we're not girls! Although, we're not above going together, either.) red-faced and giggling to themselves.

Staffer one says, "you really gotta learn how to lock the stall door."

Staffer two says, "I did! And, what about the courtesy peek?!"

So, with at least two other staffers now pulled into the fray by the (now) out-loud laughing, we come to find out that there is opening the stall-door etiquette, too. Even if you believe the stall to be empty, you still open the door just a crack to verify said stall is indeed empty. That as opposed to pulling the door wide-open and finishing a conversation with an uninvolved third party while the guy on the throne is left in shock and awe to search for the appropriate words to express, "Umm, I'm in here with my pants around my ankles - how about a little help here?"

You also have to wonder... who's more embarrassed in that situation? The guy with his pants around his ankles certainly has lost some pride. I don't care how studly you are, when you caught sitting on the throne with you pants around your ankles, you are not looking good. But, the often overlooked unintentional "peeker" is also in a bit of an awkward situation. If nothing else, he's thinking, "Yeah, I didn't need to see that."

Always good times around the Never Not Funny offices...

This kid's lucky to be alive!

With all the flatulence surrounding Never Not Funny staffers, there's a certain familiarity with the bathroom. We all agree, though, "no contest" is the only way we can plea with this kid's accomplishment.

If you're not in shock and awe, you need to carefully read the caption again.

Flatulence Football

Once again, nobody ever said this blog was sophisticated...

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally "soils" the bed.

The wife says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

The Great Cookie Debate

This Never Not Funny staffer's wife makes a mean chocolate chip cookie. I'm biased, of course, but you can ask anyone around the Never Not Funny office and they'll tell you the same story. Her cookies are legendary.

Today was one of those magical days when the aforementioned chocolate chip cookies were available. As a couple of staffers sat around eating said cookies, one's wife called and asked what was going on. I'm paraphrasing a bit, but the conversation went something like this:

Staffer's Wife: What's going on?
Never Not Funny Staffer: Just eating some cookies.
SW: Where did you get the cookies?
NNFS: T-Dub's wife baked them.
SW: Are they better than mine?
NNFS: Um... they're pretty good.
SW: I hope you get diarrhea.

Update! Said staffer called his wife back and told her he had diarrhea to make her feel better. We may not be sophisticated, but at least we're sensitive.

That just happened!

If you're a regular reader of this blog, you know that two things Never Not Funny Staffers spend a lot of time doing are playing Texas Hold 'Em and passing gas (once again, no one ever said this blog was sophisticated).

Several staffers have seen the move Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (some, perhaps, too many times) and everyone knows memorable quotes like, "shake and bake" and "if you ain't first, you're last" but we've latched on to a less obvious quotable. "That just happened."

While seemingly mundane at first, the power of these words is quickly revealed when used in the contexts of smack-talking or insults. They're especially effective when followed up with, "Doesn't that just blow your mind?!"

For example, in the context of the lunch-time Texas Hold 'Em games:

I'm all in. That's right, that just happened.

Or, following gaseous expulsion (see flatulence or fart if that's more your speed):

Oh yeah, that just happened.
Doesn't that just blow your mind?!

Of course, it can also be used to put emphasis on an insult as well:

Having a fourth donut, eh Butterball?
You heard right, that just happened!

Those are just few of the plethora of ways "that just happened" can be effectively used. Trust me-there are plenty more opportunities out there. And if you don't get it, well, maybe you're just not cut out for this blog, Einstein.

That just happened. Doesn't that just blow your mind?!

Friday Funnies

Bud Light:


Kellog's All Bran:
With flatulence being what it is with Never Not Funny Staffers, this one holds a special place in the heart of our bottoms.


Mercedes-Benz:

Flatulence goes mainstream

It's not just us - Dr. Billy Goldberg and Mark Leyner have written an article called, "The Body Odd." The subhead states, "Passing time by passing gas, plus fun fart facts!" You can read it over at msnbc.com. There was a link to this article on MSNBC's home page - a link to farting on the MSNBC home page for crying out loud! Never Not Funny staffers - perpetually ahead of the curve.

Just so you don't think we're making this up, photographic evidence is provided below.


Perhaps we should let them know about Ozium...

Flatulence = Fun

Nobody ever said this blog was sophisticated...

As staffers gathered to play the lunch-time Texas Hold 'Em game today, one eagerly shared an especially nauseating butt-cheek chorus compliments of, according to said staffer, "generic Aldi cheerios." Now, if you're a fan of this blog, you know that flatulence in and of itself can be the main entrance to an amusement park of side-splitting, eye-watering fun. Add the "Ozium factor" to the mix and you've got even better comedy.

As you may have guessed, this isn't the first time a Never Not Funny staffer has "let one go." Oh no, it is such a frequent event, in fact, combatant sprays have been purchased. Enter Medco Sports Medicine's Ozium. This particular staffer spent the better part of the poker game attempting to determine the correct timing and mixture of Ozium vs. noxious gas to keep the surrounding air that intoxicating aroma only 5 or 6 guys at lunch time can create.

His antics ranged from simultaneous expulsion of both gases, to Ozium before or Ozium after flatulence both with and without the aid of a small desktop fan. While additional research is required because there was no consensus in a successful containment, this staffer believes the Ozium needs something to "eat." As such, Ozium should be released at some yet-to-be-determined (but certainly short) amount of time after the human expulsion.

And that was just the first 15 minutes of a 1 hour game. For those of you who can't imagine it, let me tell you, hilarity ensued.

P.S. Did I mention that Ozium is labeled as a "Hazmat" item and cannot be shipped by air? That says something about the powers being meddled with...

Stop Sign Flatulence

You know those grooves in the pavement to warn you about an upcoming stop sign? The ones that rattle the whole car and are supposed to "wake you up" so you don't blow through the country four-way at 65 miles-per-hour?

Every time you roll over one, excuse yourself as if you just relieved yourself via gaseous expulsion. To raise the bar, veer into the oncoming lane once safely through the intersection (after stopping, of course) to relive the fun.

It goes without saying, flatulence is pretty much never not funny around here.