No drowning!

What ever happened to warning people there's no lifeguard on duty? Now we just tell them not to drown?



Oh sure, you can swim-swim till your heart's content. Just don't drown.

It's garbage day

Those of you who are responsible for getting the garbage curbside every week will appreciate this... For some reason, my children love to mock me with garbage day. Whatever the reason, they know what day of the week is "garbage day" and love to gleefully remind me, not only that morning, but also the night before ("garbage eve") that I need to take the garbage out. Here's this morning's exchange:

The Girl: Dad, guess what day it is?
Me: I don't know. What day is it?
The Girl: It's garbage day!
Me: No it's not.
The Girl: It's Thursday, right?
Me: Yes.
The Girl: Thursday is garbage day, right?
Me: Yes.
The Girl: So, today is garbage day!
Me: No it's not.
The Girl: *looking puzzled* But it's Thursday.
Me: Yep.
The Girl: So, today is garbage day, right?
Me: Nope.
The Girl: Huh?
Me: That just happened! Doesn't that just blow your mind!

If you're not laughing yourself silly, there are two things you should know: garbage this week is delayed a day due to the Memorial Day holiday and "That just happened!" is a Ricky Bobby quote.

Innuendo or is that In-you-end-o?

The typical Never Not Funny staffer is a middle-aged guy with, what the folks at Larger Than Average have coined, "the sickness." As such, the signs pictured below make us giggle like little schoolgirls every time.

This kid's lucky to be alive!

With all the flatulence surrounding Never Not Funny staffers, there's a certain familiarity with the bathroom. We all agree, though, "no contest" is the only way we can plea with this kid's accomplishment.

If you're not in shock and awe, you need to carefully read the caption again.

Economic Stimulus Package - for who?

This is an actual* FAQ from the IRS web site.

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.


*for purposes of this post, actual means completely made up

A picture is worth a thousand words

Never Not Funny staffers see it. How about you?

Fur and Leather

Did you ever notice people are more violently opposed to fur than leather? How often do you hear about people throwing red paint on leather-clad people? Not very often.

You know why, don't you? Because it's safer to harass rich women than biker gangs.

Hi, my name is...

Never not Funny staffers like to eat. Visiting some of the local dining establishments often results in some interesting experiences. Now, we're not a sophisticated bunch (see the many flatulence-related posts scattered throughout the blog) so for us, a dining establishment is in the neighborhood of Applebee's, Chili's, Bennigan's, or Steak and Shake.

Even at Steak and Shake, you'll be greeted by a host or hostess and the exchange usually goes something like this:

Hi, I'm Amy. Welcome to Steak and Shake.

The hostess, Amy in this case, will then help you find a suitable table to dine at within the fine establishment. Upon being seated, Amy will say something like:

Your server will be with you in just a minute.

And Amy disappears to, presumably, seat the remaining flood of guests waiting to be seated. Just as Amy, the hostess, had stated, the server joins us within a couple of minutes.

Hi, I'm Amy. I'll be your server. What can I get you to drink?

Did you notice that both the hostess and the server were named Amy? You might be thinking, "Amy's a fairly common name - there are probably two different Amy's working." You'd be wrong. Amy the hostess and Amy the server are the same person!

Now, had this happened only once, you could chalk it up to a long day. But this has happened on at least three separate occasions with at least three different hostess/servers! Other than being Never Not Funny, what's up with that?!?!

Next time it happens, I'm going to have to say something.

You look familiar... Have we met before? Do you have a twin who works here? 'Cause, I swear, our hostess looked just like you!

Motivational Thought

This little animal is called the Naked Mole-Rat and is from Africa.

So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember: You could look like a penis with buck teeth.

This motivational thought brought to you by Never Not Funny. :)

I underestimated the creepiness

The eTrade "baby" commercials are mildly entertaining but something about the clown one just gets a chuckle from Never Not Funny staffers every time.

Flatulence Football

Once again, nobody ever said this blog was sophisticated...

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally "soils" the bed.

The wife says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

Are you OK to drive?

Back in the day, this boy could party. Having just graduated from college, it was a natural progression in life. My friends and I would spend many a weekend attending sporting events, bar-hopping, and just plain partying. I remember it fondly... ah, yes, the "lost" summer of '92. Every once in a while my friends from that time period and I will reminisce and it's not unusual for the following exchange to take place:

Friend 1: Remember the Summer of 92?

Friend 2: No.

Now, it's not as if we were drunk every minute of the summer-we did manage to hold down jobs. But, it's good fun to look back at that lost summer.

Another quote born of that summer was in relation to someone being able to drive at the end of the night. That exchange goes like this:

Friend 1: (to obviously inebriated Friend 2) Are you going to be OK to drive?

Friend 2: Sure. (long, dramatic pause) When?

Let's analyze the response more closely. Friend 2 is obviously drunk yet responds "sure, I'm OK to drive" to friend 1's question. Than, after pensive pause, Friend 2 adds, "when?" to his response. Friend 2 obviously can't drive now, but perhaps several hours later or in the morning, Friend 2 will be able to drive. Let's run through it one more time, more quickly.

Friend 1: Are you going to be OK to drive?

Friend 2: Sure. When?

That's funny stuff!