The Great Cookie Debate

This Never Not Funny staffer's wife makes a mean chocolate chip cookie. I'm biased, of course, but you can ask anyone around the Never Not Funny office and they'll tell you the same story. Her cookies are legendary.

Today was one of those magical days when the aforementioned chocolate chip cookies were available. As a couple of staffers sat around eating said cookies, one's wife called and asked what was going on. I'm paraphrasing a bit, but the conversation went something like this:

Staffer's Wife: What's going on?
Never Not Funny Staffer: Just eating some cookies.
SW: Where did you get the cookies?
NNFS: T-Dub's wife baked them.
SW: Are they better than mine?
NNFS: Um... they're pretty good.
SW: I hope you get diarrhea.

Update! Said staffer called his wife back and told her he had diarrhea to make her feel better. We may not be sophisticated, but at least we're sensitive.

Pirate Greeter

A particular Never Not Funny staffer has had a life-long dream of one day becoming a pirate. This same staffer has vowed to one day be a greeter at Wal-Mart after retirement comes his way. I think I've actually found the perfect job for him:

Hey, we all have to have dreams. Thanks to the folks at Free Credit Report for a commercial that's never not funny.

That just happened!

If you're a regular reader of this blog, you know that two things Never Not Funny Staffers spend a lot of time doing are playing Texas Hold 'Em and passing gas (once again, no one ever said this blog was sophisticated).

Several staffers have seen the move Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (some, perhaps, too many times) and everyone knows memorable quotes like, "shake and bake" and "if you ain't first, you're last" but we've latched on to a less obvious quotable. "That just happened."

While seemingly mundane at first, the power of these words is quickly revealed when used in the contexts of smack-talking or insults. They're especially effective when followed up with, "Doesn't that just blow your mind?!"

For example, in the context of the lunch-time Texas Hold 'Em games:

I'm all in. That's right, that just happened.

Or, following gaseous expulsion (see flatulence or fart if that's more your speed):

Oh yeah, that just happened.
Doesn't that just blow your mind?!

Of course, it can also be used to put emphasis on an insult as well:

Having a fourth donut, eh Butterball?
You heard right, that just happened!

Those are just few of the plethora of ways "that just happened" can be effectively used. Trust me-there are plenty more opportunities out there. And if you don't get it, well, maybe you're just not cut out for this blog, Einstein.

That just happened. Doesn't that just blow your mind?!

The most innocent of things...

...can be Never Not Funny. I don't know that it's necessary to say anything else about the street sign below.

Then again, who can help themselves with such a target-rich environment?

I wonder if they do any pup-tent camping on Morningwood Drive?
I wonder if they raise any roosters on Morningwood Drive?
I wonder if there area any missile silos on Morningwood Drive?
I wonder if residents of Morningwood Drive have a "hard" time getting out of bed in the morning?

Come on-you know you've got some of your own...

It's weekend eve!

It's Thursday, the day before Friday. Thursday can be affectionately referred to as "weekend eve." It's good enough for Christmas and New Years, why not for Fridays? Thursday bridges the important gap between celebratory "hump day" (Wednesday) and Friday-we really should give Thursday a little more credit. Weekend Eve it is.

Who doesn't love a puppy?

This guy is just so proud and I'm sure he's thinking this puppy will get his parents off his back about a girlfriend and a grandchild, too.

Or maybe not...

The Miracle Mug with a tiny flaw

The preferred beverage mug of choice for Never Not Funny staffers is the Bubba Keg. This miraculous, 52-ounce contraption allows us to do two of the things we like to do most: drink cold beverages and sit on our duffs for extended periods of time. 52 ounces is typically enough to get you through the morning of your average work-day and often times even into the afternoon. The Bubba Keg's insulation (affectionately referred to as "Bubba Fat") will keep ice through the entire day - even when the water is long gone. And it's capacity can certainly outlast all but the heartiest of bladders.

Yes, this baby is a modern beverage-drinking, butt-sitting miracle. Save one little issue... When getting a little eager with "throwing the liquid back," the BAV (Bubba Air Vent) can easily become clogged with the tiniest of noses (we've tested on rodents such as field mice and moles) and stop the refreshing flow of cool liquid. The illustration below may help:

As you can plainly see, all the sophisticated technology that is the Bubba Keg is easily defeated by most noses. The solution is simple, of course-don't get overexcited when you sip from the cup of eternal cool. But, I ask you, how can one possibly not get overexcited when sipping from such a fantastic mug? It is clearly a design-flaw. Plus, every single person I know that has a Bubba Keg has the exact same problem. Both of us.

P.S. I was just kidding about the field mice and moles.

Friday Funnies

Bud Light:


Kellog's All Bran:
With flatulence being what it is with Never Not Funny Staffers, this one holds a special place in the heart of our bottoms.


Mercedes-Benz:

Guys ARE clueless...

Hey, I'm not saying I'm proud of it, but at least there is finally some scientific evidence that guys are indeed clueless. Seriously, read it at msnbc.com.

Now, when faced with that "did you notice something?" question from your significant other, you can say without reservation, "No, I'm clueless. And Science has got my back."

Also, according to the article, if you're single and trying to attract the attention of a particular man, you'll have to be pretty blunt. The below photo illustrates this point well.

Yeah, we really are that clueless.

Oh, by the way, it's the girl on the right that's doing the flirting.

The leather skirt & the zipper

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know you!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Leave it running

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel even better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and exclaims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your injun running."

Crazy Pirate

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in the front of his pants.

The bartender says "Hey buddy - you know you got a steering wheel in the front of your pants?"
The pirate says, "Arggh, me knows. It's drivin' me nuts."

Tragedy + Time = Humor

Drums & the simplicity of fame

This particular Never Not Funny staffer has had a life-long dream of playing the drums. It started in 5th grade band on instrument selection day when I was told I'd have to play the trumpet because all the drum slots were taken-curse my father for a last name toward the end of the alphabet. From that day on, I've wanted to play the drums.

Well, a couple months back, I finally pulled the trigger on this suppressed life-long dream. With Costco's liberal return policy, if it's a dismal failure, I can always return them anyway. Behold the Ludwig LR1125RC Accent Combo kit:

Ah yes, the stuff dreams are made of... So, the boxes arrive a few days later and it's like Christmas morning for me. I carefully open the shipping boxes, unload the multiple boxes contained within them, open the individual boxes and lay the parts out in an organized fashion so as not to misplace anything. Wow, look at all this stuff!

It's about this time when my 8-year-old daughter enters the room to "help" me assemble the drum set and the following exchange takes place:

"Dad, can you play the drums?"
"Not yet," I reply.
"So, what are you gonna do with all this stuff?"
"Well, I'm going to put it together and teach myself how to play," I say.

Her thirst for knowledge temporarily quenched, we continue assembly of the drum set, which included a visit to the Internet to find instructions, by the way. As the drum heads go on and stands are erected (tee-hee, he said "erect"), a second inquisition begins:

"So, Dad, when you learn how to play the drums, you'll be famous."
"Well, I don't know about all that - probably not," I chuckle aloud.

And then, after some apparent deep thought, she says:

"Well, if you're gonna learn how to play the drums, you might as well be famous."

An excellent point - if only it were that easy.

You're In...

You know, the lunchtime Texas Hold 'Em games that Never Not Funny staffers participate in Monday to Thursday provide a lot of fodder for this blog - I imagine you'll be seeing more and more about these games as time goes on. Anywho...

Because we are at work, there are sometimes distractions during the poker game. It's not unusual for a participant to be checking email on a mobile device only to look up and find that another player has already pushed his ante in for him. "You're in," the proxy-bettor will say. Depending on the mood of the bet-by-proxy participant (whose chips have been pushed in for him), you may hear the rebuttal, "Feces."

OK, caught your breath yet? Cause, man, that is funny stuff. What? You don't get it? You're in. Feces. Still no? You're in, which can sound like urine if said quickly. Then feces. Got it? It's like trading insults. You know, if you have to explain it...

Joe who?

Sometimes it's the simplest of things that are just Never Not Funny...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Joe
Joe who?
Joe MAMA!

Ugly has never been so hot

Never Not Funny Staffers have been known to consume copious amounts of nuts and other legumes in mass quantities and in record time. When others leave vats of nuts out for the taking at their desks', NNF staffers like, nay-feel obligated, to partake.

Our friends over at Larger Than Average will tell you about "the sickness" that afflicts a vast but undetermined percentage of the world's male population. Essentially, "the sickness" is a healthy appreciation for the female form as well as a constant awareness of anything that may seem sexual. If you've got it, you'll better understand why the Planters Peanuts commercial below is so funny.

Like the title says, ugly has never been so hot.